Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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