Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
