You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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