i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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