he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
