I wish my penis had an off switch
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
