I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
