Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This baby is an asshole
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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