i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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