I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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