I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
