Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
