I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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