Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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