im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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