And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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