Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
