my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
