life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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