I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
