I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
