I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
