Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
