omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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