I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
