Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
