sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
