I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We got so high we made milksteak
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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