he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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