I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
