so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
