you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
