Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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