i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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