Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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