I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
