1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
