Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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