The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
