Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
