I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
