my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
