Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
