You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
