I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
