i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"