Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am in a vortex of obligation.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.