Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you