you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
