she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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