I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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