I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
