but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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