And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
