Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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