I just cut my nipple shaving
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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