If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
