Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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