Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
